One thousand years ago (y. 2011) the Prince of England married a beautiful young woman, and I didn’t write a review about the hastily slopped-together Lifetime movie that was created to profit on it. I have rued that day ever since. Never again, I said. And then….
Oooof
And then I got juuuuust tipsy enough before the wedding of the younger ginger one. You’re welcome, United Kingdom! And America! And Brexit? Yeah, Brexit.
We open on a safari in Botswana in 1997, and already my fears that they won’t exploit Princess Diana’s death are put to rest. Hooray!! A pensive young redheaded Harry goes from riding in an open-air jeep in Africa to placing an envelope addressed to “Mummy” on his Mother’s coffin.
I see. So they’ve been evil Egyptian spirits this whole time.
There are flashbacks of a very lovely Diana look-a-like teaching Harry how to steal food from the help (LOL – they’re royalty!), and the kid who plays young Harry won’t stop staring at the camera:
“I see you, Satan! Now you owe me three human souls!”
But we have bigger problems, because back in Botswana, Harry is being confronted by a lion for some reason? I guess it’s a metaphor, because his Dad Prince Charles tries to shoot it, and Harry pushes the gun away and saves it, and then the lion becomes his new Mom?
“Hi! I’m the Lion. Just looking for my Star Waggon?”
Now we’re in LA in 1993. A young Meghan Markle is watching TV and NOT having the gender roles she sees in commercials. Her Dad tells her to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, and she’s like, “I’m 12!!”
“Maybe Joan of Arc had time to stand around and not help with the dishes, but I don’t see *you* being burned by the British!!”
Fast forward to 2016, and Meghan is on the set of the INTERNATIONALLY-ACCLAIMED TV show “Suitcases”, and she’s fighting for Womyns Rights! OK, so she listened to her Dad. And I guess he finished those dishes?
Also in 2016, Harry is straight fucking his way through London. Older, balder William tries to scold him, but keeps referring to their Dad as “Paaaaah”, and I am uncomfortable. Everyone in the Royal Family is stressed about Harry being a normal bloke having good times and making “Grandma” upset. “Grandma” is the Queen of England, mind. They also casually gloss over his Nazi Halloween costume, which – maybe should be more problematic than popping bottles at the club? Harry and William keep quoting their Mom saying “It’s OK to be naughty, as long as you don’t get caught….” Huh?
Back in LA, or Toronto, or wherever MULTIPLE-EMMY-NOMINATED SHOW “Suitbelts” is filmed, Meghan is shamed for being in her 30s and unmarried and kid-less. So she let’s her makeup artist (??) offer to set her up with someone. First! Date! Action!
Harry is 40 mins late and has an escape plan, and so as you can imagine – HIJINKS AND FIREWORKS!!!
“So you call this a ‘vase’ in America?”
“No. It’s just a large pitcher of LSD I bring on all blind dates.”
They play a 3rd grade version of Never Have I Ever and quote Morgan Freeman and almost kiss. She tells him she’s divorced and he’s visibly disgusted. Which is crazy, because you know – he’s a ginger. People in red houses, shouldn’t throw red stones. The stones are red with the blood of the innocent.
Harry finds the inner strength to get over Meghan’s previous marriage and asks her out on a second date – in Botswana. Because he thinks the lion from 1997 was his Mom, and he wants to introduce Meghan.
“I’m getting paid per frame, yeah? That was in my contract.”
Meghan pretends she’s never heard the phrase “ginger”, and also says she’s “always had a thing for redheads”, and all of a sudden they’re in a fuck-tent in Africa!!
William and Kate comment on how Americans are loud. UNITED KINGDOM: 1 AMERICA: 0 The guy playing William is…I just assume he’s in the Tower of London for his part in this.
“I’m MURDERING this portrayal! Right, darling? Like I murdered that extra? The one I buried out back? Hmmm?”
Back in Toronto, where they film PEABODY AWARD WINNING SHOW “Suit Zoot Riot”, Meghan tells her sassy hairdresser she’s dating a Prince, and he’s like, “Gurrrrrrrl, you gonna die in a paparazzi crash!!”.
“Who’s gonna write a song about *you*? Elton John? No. Try OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN.”
Harry shows up to surprise her, dresses up her dogs, and they go to a costume party together. Meghan is dressed like Hilary Clinton, the “next female President of the United States”, and it’s like, HA HA, THAT DOESN’T HURT ME. UNITED KINGDOM: 2 AMERICA: 0
Harry is outed at the costume party because he lets a fat guy dressed like Robin Hood: Men In Tights shame him into taking his frog head off, and you know what? It’s probably for the best that William the Bald is gonna take the throne.
“Were you asking about my ‘tadpoles’? And by that I mean sperm? I have tadpoles and sperm and will now stop talking.”
Rut-roh! The Palace and Meghan’s publicist are both mad their relationship has been outed. But which one has the clout to stop Star magazine from running a cover story?!?! Harry is pulled into a meeting with top Palace strategists who ask him to tell Meghan to shut down her blog. He responds, “Not a chance! That blog is part of her IDENTITY!!!” I can totally sympathize, my blog is also indicative of who I am and I will not be silenced:
COPYRIGHT: ME
Kate and William expound on the problems with Meghan: “If she’s your girl, she can’t have opinions!!” Well, that is RIDICULOUS. Here in America, a woman has the right to……well, we can still get a fair…….at least we’re believed when we say………UNITED KINGDOM: 3 AMERICA: :((
Some old British farts tell Harry that Meghan is trouble because she’s half African-American and whole-divorced and her voice box is still intact, and he’s like, “I’ll show you! Throw a dinner party!”
At the dinner party, some racist named Bella gives Meghan advice by touching her hair and telling her she’s gonna get it. Meghan starts to wonder if she belongs in this world, and Harry is like, “I’m a ginger I have also struggled!!!!” And everything is fine.
But not back in California! A paparazzi outside of Meghan’s Mom’s house yells, “What does the Queen think of your dreds??” and it’s like – the Queen is 117 years old. Let’s ask her what she thinks about air travel. Then we’ll get to this fucking nonsense.
Meghan is furious about the public scrutiny and the Palace restrictions and the toll it’s taken on her family and the cancellation of “The Mick”. And probably mostly because of “The Mick”, she tells Harry they should break up. He takes back the friendship bracelet he made for her and is like “FINE I’LL GIVE IT TO THE LION INSTEAD”
“I don’t want! This life!”
Her Mom talks some sense into her, and Meghan runs to the tarmac to stop Prince Harry’s private jet from leaving, and some inoffensive Coldplay cover band scores the whole thing and fine. Sure. Let’s pretend that happened.
Still! The British crown reigns supreme, and Harry is not allowed to bring Meghan to parties where dusty old bags are wearing racist broaches and being incredibly disgusting. Egads! Will they continue to kowtow to these assholes balancing on the edge of their graves, or will they grow the fuck up? This RICH MANS Prince Charles says the latter:
“Hello. I’m an actor, and also the 7th most handsome man in England. Would you like to see my tadpoles?”
Hooray! Meghan is allowed to come to the party with a bunch of cunts! That awesome chick Bella is there, and being very cool:
It’d be easy to make a joke about her drinking pee, but I’m taking the high road.
…that’s pee, though
Kate takes Meghan aside and tells her she’s pregnant, and she’s like, “You’ve seen ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’, right? That’s what we’re gonna need from you. So, get to spreadin’.”
Meghan tells Harry that she’s not sure about having kids, and he’s like “WHAT ELSE?!?!” and leaves. As Lifetime movie luck would have it, it’s the anniversary of Princess Diana’s death. Meghan knows that taking him back to Africa will make it all better. They build half of a wall of a house, shake hands with an orphaned child, and then go glamping. Harry opens up about his Mother’s death, gets mad, and then guess who he runs into when he takes off into the night?
“Oh, I’m sorry – I was looking for the NA meeting…”
No, that was at Bonnaroo. He saw!!:
“Listen, I just need my last check. I’ve got my kids this weekend, and this was only supposed to be a three day shoot…”
And so everything is cool and resolved! The next step? MAWWIAGE!!!
Harry announces to everyone in Buck-your-ham Palace that he’ll follow Meghan wherever she goes, even to Toronto, where she films NOBEL PEACE PRIZE NOMINATED AND KIDS CHOICE AWARD WINNING SHOW “CounterSuits”. But she’s like, “You’re cramping my style and now I love scones, so let’s go back to England!”
“Is this because of what happens when you leave your dogs with me?”
Harry says you have to meet my Grandma, they LOL, and they’re back on their way to the Commonwealth! And it’s at this point that Meghan decides to pick up “Let’s Go, England!”
“According to this I have to slap your grandma 3 times and demand she take me to John Lennon?”
The Queen makes a joke about throwing her in the Tower, and it’s like, I ALREADY MADE THAT JOKE EARLIER IN THIS REVIEW, YOU LAZY BITCH. The Queen tries to scare Meghan off, but she’s like, “Yeah, but I have Ginger Fever, sooooo…” Queen Elizabeth plays the “I have some black friends” card with the help of some old portraits, and it’s a done deal! Harry officially proposes over some baked chicken, and then we’re treated to a lazy montage of everything we’ve already seen tonight.
And now! By my (drunken) calculations, the actual wedding of Meghan and Harry happens in two hours, so please enjoy this review on the way, or during or after, or never! The Queen doesn’t control you – find your baked chicken and eat it!!! Romance.
BIGGIE 4 LIFE
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