Sharknado

I dunno...I could stand to hear a little more.

I dunno…I could stand to hear a little more.

It’s a tornado full of sharks.  I mean – it’s like Christmas and my birthday and Arbor Day and a really intense mescaline binge all rolled into one.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly thank the SyFy Channel for all they give me.

OK, this review is another late one, as SHARKNADO premiered 2 weeks ago.  I was out of town and doing shows and you know what?  There’s no excuse.  Sitting on flying sharks for a fortnight is unforgivable.  I’ll make it up to you with back rubs and beef jerky.

I have been screaming NO SPOILERS since this abomination first premiered, and like to think I remain pretty ignorant of what’s to come.  I DID see the now famous (infamous?  inflammable?)  scene with the chainsaw, but we’ll get to that in due time.  Also – I learned that if you forcefully say, “No ‘Sharknado’ spoilers please” to a group of adults while jamming your fingers in your ears, there is an excellent chance said adults won’t want to hang out with you anymore.

To the sharks!

There’s no time to waste, apparently – as the movie opens on the following menacing scene:

shark8

“The sea was angry that day…and the tornado had heartburn. A DEADLY COMBINATION.”

We are in a boat that’s 20 miles off the coast of Mexico apparently, where a stereotypical grizzled old sea captain is haggling with a stereotypical Asian businessman over the price of – I dunno, sharks?  I can’t understand the captain at all, but he gets his way because the Asian businessman slides a tackle box full of money at him.  I’m sure the captain appreciates this aesthetic touch – he hates when he gets ill-gotten dollars in a knitting bag or a bike helmet.  Suddenly!  We see a tornado brewing off in the distance.  And just like that, sharks are being plucked out of the water, tossed on deck, and eating various crew members.  Both of our stereotypes are devoured in sprays of blood so pink they’re almost lovely.  But what of the money?  Did the sharks take it?  To pay off their student loans?  All signs point to YES.  I’m sure we’ll hear more about this transaction, otherwise there was no point to this whole opening scene, and I can’t see the SyFy Channel being that unprofessional.

The action moves to stock footage of a California beach that’s just littered with bikinis and surfers and what’s this?  OUR HERO, IAN ZIERING:

"Was there ever any doubt I'd save your lives, assholes?"

“Was there ever any doubt I’d save your lives, assholes?”

Within seconds we can tell that Ian is a super-special surfer, as he points out that there seems to be “something unnatural” about the waves out in Santa Monica today.  Nothing gets past ol’ Golden Mullet.

Here are a couple members of our supporting cast!:  There’s a busty waitress wearing her uniform bikini and Kevin McAllister’s Dad from “Home Alone” as a handsy drunk named George.  They’re sitting in a bar watching a news report detailing the massive hurricane off the coast.  Hurricanes cause tornados full of sharks, right?  They must.

Ian Ziering watches a fellow surfer get eaten by a shark, but this shark isn’t airborne and so I DON’T CARE.  However, this leads to a bizarre 5 minute sequence where people standing in ankle-high water are suddenly and viciously attacked by sharks.  Sure – probably not the least believable thing we’ll see tonight.  AHAHAHAHA – a shark even flopped up onto the side of a jet ski and chomped a dude’s leg off.  If we’re not safe on Sea Doos, are we safe anywhere?  Damn you, Al Qaeda!!

The busty waitress runs to the beach to help the wounded, and obviously doesn’t know what wounded is because she runs right past this guy:

Walk it off, pussy.  On your OTHER leg, then.

Walk it off, pussy. On your OTHER leg, then.

to check on Ian Ziering.  Thank God he’s safe!  Everyone retires to the local bar to get wasted.  Massive blood loss/trauma = cheap drunk.  Smart move, y’all.

The news keeps reporting on the hurricane, which has been named Hurricane David.  Is that a shot at David Silver?  We’ll know if the hurricane starts wearing mismatched plaids and dumb hats and just being the worst DJ Southern California has ever seen.

"Please.  Like Spin Doctors will ever stop being cool!!"

“Please. Like Spin Doctors will ever stop being cool!!”

Ian Ziering calls to check on his estranged wife and kid, because he’s a good dude, you guys.  His wife is played by Tara Reid and her copious eyeliner, and she is NOT trying to bring their daughter further inland because she doesn’t think flying sharks are a real threat and besides she’s moved on and is dating Colin now!!  Deal with it, Ian Ziering!!!

All of a sudden he has bigger problems than wondering whether “Colin” is just his wife’s pet name for the case of Blue Curacao she dragged home from the liquor store last week – sharks are crashing through the windows of the bar and trying to eat everyone!  But who will eat all the jalapeno poppers?  Busty Waitress kills a shark by driving a pool cue through it’s brains before remembering there’s a shotgun behind the bar.  That’ll work too!  Everyone escapes outside and sharks are just straight flying everywhere, you guys.  On the boardwalk, someone shoves a helium tank into a shark’s mouth and Ian Ziering shoots it, blowing the shark up.  I’d say it was a clever wink to “Jaws”, if I wasn’t worried that Steven Spielberg would sue me just for making the comparison.

The tide of sharks has ebbed for now, so Ian Ziering, Busty Waitress, Ol’ Drunkened George and some Australian dude take the opportunity to drive out to Tara Reid’s house to check on her and the daughter.  The special effects on this roadtrip are so bad – I think they tried to simulate driving through a hurricane by pulling the jeep through a carwash.  Oh noes!  There are sharks in the flooded streets, you guys!  The beach is back to normal, but the suburbs are completely submerged.  I mean, not so much so that they can’t drive on the roads, but definitely enough to accommodate a bunch of sharks.  The “Suburban Shark Sweet Spot”, as Stephen Hawking dubbed it.

People are getting eaten by Street Sharks (obviously also the name of some super-hard gang somewhere in Detroit, I bet) left and right.  Drunk George grabs his barstool (WHICH HE’S CARRIED WITH HIM THIS WHOLE TIME BECAUSE HE’S A 1920s CARTOON CARICATURE OF A DRUNK) and fends off some sharks and frees a trapped dog.  But no good deed goes unpunished, George!  And he is overtaken by a wave o’ sharks and dies.  RIP George!

"Sorry to do this to you, man.  But how do you lose your kid at Christmas TWICE?!?  You shouldn't be a Dad."

“Sorry to do this to you, man. But how do you lose your kid at Christmas TWICE?!? You shouldn’t be a Dad.”

Ian Ziering, Busty Waitress and the Australian continue on to Tara Reid’s house.  They must be safe, they’re up in the hills!  But then we see an open sewer drain and all of a sudden a rush of water full of sharks comes pouring out, and that is how we got around THAT plot hole!  Screenwriting 101, fuckers!

Our merry band of travelers makes it to Tara Reid’s house, and she is none too pleased to see all of them.  And neither is her boyfriend Colin, who is NOT a case of booze, but a real life asshole.  He tries to put the boots to Ian Ziering, but then a shark crashes through the window and eats him.  Tara Reid is distressed:

"Oh God, did Colin have the keys to the liquor cabinet?"

“Oh God, did Colin have the keys to the liquor cabinet?”

The house is flooding crazy fast and there are poorly-rendered CGI sharks everywhere.  Busty Waitress shoots about 140 bullets and the water turns red and the Australian makes a “time of the month” joke and I throw my wine glass at the TV.  This movie is perfect.  That joke clinched it.

Ian Ziering and Busty Waitress and the Australian and Tara Reid and the Daughter (I’m not learning her name – YOU learn her name if you love her so much!) pile back into the jeep and drive back through the storm/carwash.  Ian and Tara just remembered they have a son too, and they have to go get him at his flight school.  He’s at flight school, you guys.  Do you think that will come into play?  Do you think maybe the son will be able to fly them away?  I mean, higher than a sharknado can reach?  LET’S WATCH.

Hold up – there’s a stranded schoolbus full of children that Ian Ziering stops to save real quick.  Why are there always stranded schoolbuses full of children?  There was one in “Arachnoquake” too.  Maybe these kids aren’t meant to live.  Maybe this bus was coming back from the state mock trial championship, and these kids just ate a dick there, embarrassing their entire district.  Getting eaten by sharks would be a more merciful fate than trying to explain to their parents how they lost to the deaf school.

But I digress!  We’re in the eye of the storm, which no one has ever heard of because everyone starts to relax and say that it’s over.  It ain’t over til the fat shark eats the Australian, you guys.  And sure enough, in the distance we see a bunch of tornadoes – or “water spouts” as DOCTOR IAN ZIERING has decided to refer to them all of a sudden – and they are full of sharks.  They pile back into the jeep only to have a shark land on the roof and start to eat it’s way through and to the passengers within.  It bears noting that there is absolutely no water around this shark, he is just chomping through air like a boss.  They escape and take refuge in a liquor store.  In a shocking turn of events, Tara Reid heads straight for the pills!  Way to keep us guessing, gurl.

Back on the road, where all of a sudden there is just no more water.  Yay!  I guess the worst is over, right?  The gang arrives at the Son’s flight school just in time to see this mess approaching:

"It's a cool picture, but I would have used a sepia filter.  Woulda looked cooler."

“It’s a cool picture, but I would have used a sepia filter. Woulda looked cooler.”

They find the Son and his entire flight class hiding in a closet.  Which is smart, because sharks hate closets.  But the tornadoes are upon them once again, and the flight school is basically leveled.  Except for the closet.  Toldja, science!!  There is also a helicopter that survived the sharknado, but Ian Ziering says it’s too dangerous to fly it.  Instead, he says they should stand and fight.  LOLOLOLOL – way safer.

They head to a supply warehouse that’s full of propane tanks and mallets and *chainsaws* that everyone stocks up on for the Big Shark Fight.  The Son has volunteered to fly the helicopter up and drop homemade bombs on the sharknado.  Apparently he knows exactly how to turn propane tanks into bombs, and now I’m starting to see why his parents sent him away to flight school.  *cough*  Columbine *cough*  Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are 110% behind this plan.  In the middle of all this prep, the Daughter has a legit meltdown about how her parents love her brother more than her.  Fine bitch, do YOU want to fly the bomb-o-copter?  No one would miss you if a hammerhead ate your face off.  Ugh.  Chicks, amirite?

Are you guys wondering about any love triangles?  Welp, Busty Waitress has been pining over Ian Ziering, who has been blanking her the entire time.  Now Ian Ziering’s son is hitting on her, and maybe that’ll work out?  Oh, and she also has a weird shark backstory that sounds a lot like Quint’s in “Jaws”  and oh who’s at my door?  Shit.  I’m being served by Spielberg’s people.

Anyhoo, we are preparing for Shark Fight Night 2013!  The Australian mumbles something about a back-up bomb, but his haircut bothers me and so I’m not paying attention.  Up into the sky go the Son and the Busty Waitress.  Um, is she flying the helicopter?  But she’s not in flight school!  Ian Ziering shoots a lot of sharks out of the sky with a handgun and one eye closed.  Baller.  He frees up some air space, so Team Chopper can drop their bombs.  The bombs work because of course they do!

Back on the ground, sharks are dropping out of the sky and into the pool at the Old Folks Home that we heard earlier was next to the flight school.  I’m sorry I didn’t mention it, I was like “Earth is for the young!  Get ’em, sharks!!”  But Ian Ziering is NOT having that, and he pours gasoline into the pool and it blows up like Hiroshima.  Perfect.  Not perfect?  The Australian’s survival skills.  A shark flies by and straight eats him, leaving his back up bomb on the passenger seat of his car.  RIP Crocodile Dundee.  (Now – a tornado full of crocodiles – THAT’S A MOVIE)

Back in the Bomb-O-Copter, Busty Waitress leans over the edge to stab a Great White Shark and falls out.  Nooooooooooo!!!  While in free-fall, another flying shark comes by and swallows her up.  RIP Busty Waitress.

The Son lands the copter (poorly, he is gonna fail out of flight school), and tells Ian Ziering that Busty Waitress got eaten.  Ian Ziering is all, “REVENGE!!!”, and drives the car with the Australian’s bomb in it straight into the sharknado, bailing out at the last minute.  BOOM.  JUSTICE.

He runs back to the flight school and his family, who are stupidly just waiting outside for him, not looking up at the skies, where all the danger has been coming from this entire time.

"What?  Behind 'yew'?  There are no yew trees in Santa Monica, Dad!!!"

“What? Behind ‘yew’? There are no yew trees in Santa Monica, Dad! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!”

Before this shark has a chance to eat up his Daughter who – let’s face it, is a LOT of work – Ian Ziering grabs an idling chainsaw and DOES IT.

It's like "The Creation Of Adam", only better. Because sharks.

It’s like “The Creation Of Adam”, only better. Because sharks.

He is up in that shark.  And then when everyone is crying about his certain death and how he sacrificed himself to save his family, he’s all:

"WHAT NOW, PLANET EARTH?!?!?!"

“WHAT NOW, PLANET EARTH?!?!?!”

If you guessed, “I bet he’ll cut himself out of the shark’s butt with the chainsaw”, then you are right and also super weird and do you want to talk about anything?  Maybe that last breakup?  You going through some stuff?

Ian Ziering is not done making miracles just yet.  He reaches back into his chainsaw hole and pulls out….Busty Waitress!!!  What are the odds that the exact same shark that ate her up is the same shark that Ian Ziering jumped into?!?!  I’d say about as good as the odds that the pizza the writers in the SyFy think tank ordered arrived when they were trying to wrap this story up.  “It’s here?  Oh well, screw it.  She’s still alive.  In the shark.  I don’t know why, but I asked for pineapple so that’s my half!!!”

Busty Waitress is alive and all of a sudden more interested in Ian Ziering’s Son.  Maybe because he stepped up to cop a feel disguised as CPR.

"Fastest way to a woman's heart? Pushing through her chest cavity to touch her heart."

“Fastest way to a woman’s heart? Pushing through her chest cavity to touch her heart.”

Romance!  It’s good that she’s moving on, because Ian Ziering and Tara Reid had an awkward shark-guts-covered makeout session, so you know – they’re back together.  If only more divorced parents were thrown into a life or death situation involving flying sharks, maybe we wouldn’t have so many broken homes.

Seriously though – what was with the guys in the beginning?  What was the point of that?

This movie was turrible.  I loved every second of it.  They have already planned the sequel, which will take place in NYC, and which I will star in SO HELP ME GOD.

Posted in Movie Review
One comment on “Sharknado
  1. Dani says:

    I am ten months late, but I finally watched this movie. I’m pissed there weren’t MORE menstruation jokes.

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