Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

Do I even need to explain why I’m reviewing this movie?  I didn’t think so.  Let’s goooooooo!!

SPAY bells ring!  Do you get it?  Stay tuned for more terrible puns.

SPAY bells ring! Do you get it? Stay tuned for more terrible puns.

Let’s get this out of the way early – I don’t “get” Grumpy Cat.  I don’t get his appeal, or Lil’ Bub’s, or those cats that look like Hitler, or really any cats that don’t play the keyboard.  (RIP)

He's playing for the angels now, when he's not throwing up into their sandals.

He’s playing for the angels now, when he’s not throwing up into their sandals.

So already I’m annoyed with this movie.  Why does this pissy fly-by-night cat get a Christmas special when this guy couldn’t even get a collectible cup at McDonald’s?

"It's all politics with those corporate chains!  Also - I'm being investigated for poisoning my ex with SNARF-senic!"

“It’s all politics with those corporate chains! Also – I’m being investigated for poisoning my ex with SNARF-senic!”

But who am I to argue with the higher-ups at the Lifetime treacle factory?  They have their fingers on the weak, struggling pulse of their demographic – and these women want cats.  Cats and a phone call from their neighbors every now and then, just making sure they haven’t fallen in the bath.

The movie opens on a weird narrative from “Grumpy Cat” (AKA Aubrey Plaza – and I don’t even want to get into her involvement) telling us all the ways we’re gonna be disappointed by the movie.  Normally I would appreciate that kind of candor, but it just seems like a sad prediction, and I don’t have enough pizza rolls and wine for this.

So Grumpy Cat is worried about her pet store in the mall shutting down and her getting – I don’t know, liquidated?  What happens to cats that people don’t love?  No time to think on it, because 15 minutes in and they’ve already broken the 4th wall THREE TIMES.

WE DID THIS FOR MONEY

Guess how much money I have.

UGH.  So there’s a chick named Chrystal who volunteers at Grumpy Cat’s pet store and really spells her name with that unnecessary “H”.  She has no friends and a Mom who’s dating a department store elf.  Things seem to be going great for her.  There are also two poor man’s Wet Bandits casing the mall for future robbings.  Too many b stories here.

Chrystal is sadface and gets talked to by a mall rapist Santa who gives her a magic coin and tells her to make a wish for friends.  She does, and GUESS WHAT – GRUMPY CAT CAN HEAR HER AND SHE CAN HEAR GRUMPY CAT AND NOW THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS.

Fix writing

“I will ask you one more time – do you have any weeeeeed?”

Every now and then, Aubrey Plaza puts a shitty “meow” at the end of her narration, and it makes me laugh.  Do with that what you will.

Chrystal witnesses the poor man’s Wet Bandits stealing the beautiful fancy dog (WHO I LOVE) whose sale was supposed to save the pet store.  So she and Grumpy Cat decide to work together to stop them.  But they decide this in between weird product placements and enthusiastic commercial breaks.  Also – at one point a snake in the pet store said she likes “long slithers on the beach”; and I heard “long SCISSORS on the beach”, and I yelled “That snake is a lesbian!”, and then got mad at the lack of high-fives.

Relax - I'm making a joke, not a statement.

Relax – I’m making a joke, not a statement.

There is an unnecessarily long chase/hijink/justice scene in the mall that includes a dream sequence with Grumpy Cat shooting a paintball machine gun:

"Say hello, to exhausted movie stereotypes!!"

“Say hello, to exhausted movie stereotypes!!”

You guys, there are so many dream sequences and asides and throwaway scenes in this movie that are weird and unnecessary:

Inspec-Purrrrr Furlock Holmes

Inspec-Purrrrr Furlock Holmes

Sorry.

Demo-kitten expert

Demo-kitten expert

Super sorry, oh my God, don’t leave me.

Furr-ell

Furr-ell

I promised you puns, it’s your fault for reading this far.

This movie has been so WINKY WINKY WE’RE IN ON IT cute the whole time, and I’m madder at it for trying.  They’re fully embracing the blatant and offensive product placements and egregious commercial breaks.  I mean, we break for commercials every 5 minutes, and before it happens Grumpy Cat’s face flies across the screen and is like, “LOLOLOLOLOL BUTT SERIOUSLY BUY SOME SHIRTS”.

"Grumpy.  Cat.  Suppositories.   Oh!  I meant Supp-PAWS-itories."

“Grumpy. Cat. Suppositories.
Oh! I meant Supp-PAWS-itories.”

And then we’re back in the mall and Grumpy Cat steals a car and crashes it into Santa’s Village.  Except I guess Chrystal does?  Who cares, I got the screencap I came here for:

"I'm fine.  I'm feeeee-line.  I can drive.  OhshitdidIhitsomething?"

“I’m fine. I’m feeeee-line. I can drive. OhshitdidIhitsomething?”

There’s a car chase/crash that ends with Grumpy Cat being flung out of the car and into a Christmas Tree; and with my boyfriend outing himself as someone who genuinely cares about an internet cat:   “It’s cute!  It’s so cute, and I was just worried that it was hurt!  That’s not weird….why is that weird?  What are you typing?  Don’t write down what I’m saying.  Seriously – don’t.”

Grumpy Cat is fine, she gets adopted by Chrystal (hopefully taking the place of the unnecessary “H”), I guess the Wet Bandits got arrested?  And I think Chrystal’s mom gets laid by her elf suitor.  So everyone is happy!!!

I get it.

I get it.

Ugh – what?  Is it December?  Oh dip, look at that – I have “An En Vogue Christmas” saved.  So – Merry Christmas to all of us?  Yes.  Stay Tuned!!!!

If you don't love this movie, then I don't know how to help you.

If you don’t love this movie, then I don’t know how to help you.

Posted in Movie Review
One comment on “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever
  1. Dani says:

    I heartily agree that Grumpy Cat is bullshit, but I will not stand for this Lil’ Bub slander.

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