The People Vs. OJ Simpson – Episode 1

"....And You're Not Gonna Believe This Shit."

“….And You’re Not Gonna Believe This Shit.”

It’s the trial of the century – AGAIN! When I first heard that FX was re-dramatizing the OJ Simpson trial for a miniseries, I was like, “Why are you telling me?  I’m a network Exec for TBS.”  But I must admit – this shit is proving exceedingly watchable, and not just because of the bizarro casting.  Though that helps.

On the night of June 12th 1994, just as a very calm and very mock-turtlenecked OJ Simpson is taking a car to the airport; a neighbor of Nicole Brown Simpson’s is alerted to a grisly scene by a very cute dog:

"Hi!  Follow my fuzzy tail to the stuff of nightmares!"

“Hi! Follow my fuzzy tail to the stuff of nightmares!”

The cops come and start poking around the house.  Some goddamned savant sees a smattering of blood on the ground and declares: “He’s bleeding from the left hand.”  Now, there is no Earthly way you know that, Sherlock.  But I forgive you because your partner is Frank Sobotka!!!:

“If it ain’t drugs on the docks or vampires in Louisiana, it’s murders in Brentwood.  Probably Zig’s fault.”

“If it ain’t drugs on the docks or vampires in Louisiana, it’s murders in Brentwood. Probably Zig’s fault.”

Paul called him “Andy” and I called him “Frank” and now we are at an impasse in our relationship.

Watching this show, I’m realizing I don’t remember key facts about this case.  The kids were home!?!?!  Sleeping in the same house where their mother and Ron Goldman were murdered?  OOOOOF.  Also – OJ has kids??  Also – The “O” stands for Orenthal?!?!?

The cops put “duh” and “well, obviously” together and they head over to OJ’s mansion to question him. While creeping around the grounds, they see OJ’s magnificent statue of himself, and think, “This is probably a pretty grounded guy.”

Not finding OJ, the cops instead rouse houseguest Kato Kaelin from his sleep to find he has nips like diamonds:

"Are you guys here for the orgy?"

“Are you guys here for the orgy?”

Time to bring OJ in, son.

This bastard almost ruined the Naked Gun franchise for me. Some would say that's worse than murder.

This bastard almost ruined the Naked Gun franchise for me. Some would say that’s worse than murder.

I respect the commitment to OJ hair going on here, but the Marcia Clark ‘do is gonna win all the Emmys.

The cordless phone says "90s Chic", and the perm says "Of course this isn't my first divorce!"

The cordless phone says “90s Chic”, and the perm says “Of course this isn’t my first divorce!”

Marcia Clark has joined the Prosecution’s team; with some other jerks I don’t remember because they don’t have hair that looks like rotini pasta.

Are you worried about OJ’s defense?  Well so is Robert Kardashian:

“When OJ finds out that I’m also into mock tees, I could be next!!!”

“When OJ finds out that I’m also into mock turtlenecks, I could be next!!!”

Ewwwww Ross as Robert Kardashian is what nightmares are made of.  My nightmares.  Did Robert Kardashian really talk like an effeminate organ grinder / ice cream salesman?

OJ is so annoyed and just walking around sighing a lot.  Murder, amirite guys?  Such a drag. It also bears noting that these sighs sound like he’s giving birth to a tiny watermelon out his peehole.

Hey, what’s Johnnie Cochran up to?

 IF JOHNNIE COCHRAN’S CLOSET DOESN’T REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS I WILL BURN HOLLYWOOD TO THE GROUND

IF JOHNNIE COCHRAN’S CLOSET DOESN’T REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS I WILL BURN HOLLYWOOD TO THE GROUND

Johnnie is trying to pick out an outfit for a meeting with Michael Jackson.  His wife suggests a green suit, and he has to remind her that “Michael’s afraid of green”.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL WUT?!?!?  There better be a whole miniseries off-shoot exploring what colors frightened and soothed Michael Jackson, or I don’t know what my taxes are going to.

JESUS WEPT JOHN TRAVOLTA AS ROBERT SHAPIRO I WISH OJ HAD KILLED ME TOO

“Thumb goes into mouth like yum yum yum, gonna win the case cuz I’m handsome some some.”

“Thumb goes into mouth like yum yum yum, gonna win the case cuz I’m handsome some some.”

There’s no way watching Travolta’s Shapiro communicating with Ross’ Kardashian is not opening a new gateway to hell. Their interactions are so tan and intense.

"I said I’m angry-farting.  For justice.  Care to join?”

“I said I’m angry-farting. For justice. Care to join?”

Kardashian wants to help OJ, because “The Juice was there for me every night!”.  LOL ME IRL BUT JUICE = BOOZES.  OJ’s friends are worried about the case against him.  And they should be!  Incendiary eye witnesses like a woman OJ screamed at while cutting her off in traffic are being brought in to help the prosecution bury him. Um, I scream at people every day on the 101 – remind me not to kill anyone. They piece together a timeline that includes the phrase “OJ Screams at the Salad Bar Lady”, and now I have a name for my autobiography.

Shapiro invites Kardashian to join the defense team, and now they both get to stand around looking concerned as OJ stares off into middle distance and makes excuses.

“I said, I HAVE the real murderer, he’s in my car right now, and he’s Hitler’s ghost.  Just lemme go get him real quick.”

“I said, I HAVE the real murderer, he’s in my car right now, and he’s Hitler’s ghost. Just lemme go get him real quick.”

They make him take a polygraph.  It does not go well!

“You wanna talk massacres?  I see the reviews for ‘Snow Dogs’ every time I close my eyes.”

“You wanna talk massacres? I see the reviews for ‘Snow Dogs’ every time I close my eyes.”

“It’s like he’s not really the Juice anymore” – Fuck everyone involved with Rob Kardashian if he genuinely said this in a genuine manner while being genuine in real life.  Also – for good measure, fuck David Schwimmer for his delivery.

Funeral time, bitches!  Everyone is there, including Selma Blair as She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named:

"I heard Nicole wasn't exploiting her kids for financial gain even a LITTLE.  It's so awful."

“I heard Nicole wasn’t exploiting her kids for financial gain even a LITTLE. It’s so awful.”

A lot of the extras in this bitch are dressed like Miami Vice rejects.  Was that LA in the 90s?  Was that even Miami in the 90s?

Travolta is overacting so much, I wonder if the glue holding his eyebrows on is seeping into his skull.  He can’t even read his watch without looking like an understudy trying too hard.

After the funeral, The Juice retires to Robert Kardashian’s safe house in the Valley for some reason.  There, he sleeps with his girlfriend in a young Kim Kardashian’s childhood bed, which I’m assuming smelled like pee.  (bc Kim Kardashian got peed on in a sex tape)

The pressure of the impending trial and the prosecution’s demand that he turn his ass in is too much for OJ.  So he puts on a really comfy looking bathrobe and threatens to kill himself.  Kardashian freaks the fuck out – apparently he’s fine with OJ balling his girlfriend in his daughter’s bed, but there’s a line, man.

"And how dare you pull this shit in front of Joey Lawrence, King of Everything the Light Touches!!!"

“And how dare you pull this shit in front of Joey Lawrence, King of Everything the Light Touches!!!”

OJ is calmed down, and then his good friend Al Cowlings comes calling and I wonder what will happen next week??  Which is tonight – working on more timely reviews, I swear.

Looking forward to watching the rest of the series unlike the Juice himself, who is not allowed to watch.  Because he is in prison.

SPOILER ALERT

SPOILER ALERT

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