And lo, the heavens parted and the angels sang of a beauty so terrible it would put all the Ice Spiders and Mega-Crocs to shame. The terrible awesome might of THE SHARKNADO has returned!!!!
If you know me at all, you know that SyFy Channel Original movies are one of the few things that get me out of bed in the morning. (The wine bottle 6-pack at Vons is another, and also an important creative tool being used for this review.) The first “Sharknado” was the feel-good hit of last summer, according to me. How could they top it? They couldn’t, so instead they just moved the action across the country to NEW YORK CITY.
In case you forgot, (Bullshit – “Sharknado” is the Alamo of movies. Sorry, “Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo“) our hero is a golden-haired surfer and former bar-owner named Fin. HIS NAME IS FIN I MEAN CAN YOU EVEN. But he’s played by Ian Ziering, and I choose to call him by his Christian name.
At the end of the first movie, he was reunited with his estranged wife, played by the always demure Tara Reid:
There were also some kids that I hated, a top-heavy waitress and Home Alone’s Dad. More importantly, there were period jokes and bad special effects. Let’s do it again, OK?
The movie opens with Tara Reid and Ian Ziering enjoying a quiet plane ride as man and wife. They are approached by their stewardess Kelly Osbourne, who asks Tara Reid to sign the book she wrote about Sharknados. And already I am laughing my ass off, because look at this signature:
Ian and Tara are heading to NYC for a book tour, and also to visit his sister and her husband, who they apparently hate. Ian keeps looking out the window and seeing sharks in the clouds – are they real? Is he going crazy? Who cares – LOOK WHO’S PLAYING THE PILOT OH MY GOD:
Ted Stryker! Oh God, how great is “Airplane!”? SO GREAT. *sigh* I wish I was always watching “Airplane!”.
Anyhoodles – turns out the sharks in the sky were totally real, and they start flying all over the plane and exploding in the engines. The pilot and co-pilot are sucked out of the cracked windshield (over Macho Grande, I assume), and Ian Ziering runs up front to land the plane (SURE) and save the day. While he’s doing that, Tara Reid is hanging out an open plane door and shooting a shark with a handgun, but it just bites her hand off and I’m dyyyyyyyyyyyyying because her screams sound like a chain-smoking calf is getting a handjob. Also, the shark took her sick new wedding ring from Ian Ziering, so I guess they’re on a break now?
There is a never-ending progression of guest stars in this movie, but no one is going to thrill me like Ted Stryker. I mean, thanks for showing up everyone – but you opened with the highlight. So go fuck yourself, Andy Dick.
Ian Ziering leaves Tara Reid in the hospital with a stump where her hand was to go and find his sister and her family. His cab driver is Judd Hirsch, aka Dracula.
Judd Hirsch is 146 years old, and he still looks infinitely better than Mark McGrath, who is playing Ian Ziering’s brother-in-law. You guys, his face. HIS FACE:
*shudders* I mean….yikes.
Ian Ziering gets to the Mets Game and rescues ClayFace McGrath and his son. He also gets tongue-kissed by his former high school flame Vivica A. Fox, right after she robbed a Fashion Bug.
Meanwhile, sharks are raining down on the Mets fans, which is still less tragic than their last 10 seasons, amirite?? A washed up old player clobbers a shark into the stadium lights, and somewhere Kevin Costner’s ghost Dad sheds a tear for the sheer beauty of the sport.
They escape the stadium and run to the safety of – the 7 train. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I lived in Queens for years, right off the 7 train. The only sure thing these guys can count on is a mariachi band playing loudly right next to them as they get eaten by sharks.
Meanwhile, where is Ian Ziering’s sister? Um, why do you care – are you her? Well, she was on a ferry from the Statue of Liberty with her daughter and 2 friends when the sharks attacked. But luckily she had her taser on her, and she used it on a great white shark who was NOT respecting her personal space.
Back on the subway, Ian Ziering and ClayFace have a heart-to-heart and bury the hatchet about whatever was chafing them. I recorded this movie, and I still didn’t bother pausing this scene because I care SO LITTLE about ClayFace and whatever is up with him.
The 7 train proves as treacherous as I remember, and soon sharks are riding waves into the subway tunnels and eating their way onboard. Jared from Subway is there for some reason, and for once those “SHOWTIME” kids are not.
Ian Ziering fights off a shark with a baseball bat. The same shark that just bit open a subway car with no problem can’t get through his Louisville Slugger, because of Shark Science.
OK, now the head of the Statue of Liberty is rolling down the street and I think we can all blame the French for that. Great workmanship, dicks!
Tara Reid is super worried about Ian Ziering, and so escapes from the hospital to go and help him fight sharks. I don’t know if it’s the wine I’m drinking or the wine she’s drinking, but EVERYTHING Tara Reid is doing is making me weep with laughter. This is how she plays the doctors and escapes:
There have NOT been enough shark attacks in this movie. Write your congressman.
Ian Ziering and ClayFace and Vivica A. Fox and Son of ClayFace decide to get shark-hunting supplies. So some of them go to a bodega that has Napalm Brand Lighter Fluid, some of them go to the toy store (???) and Ian Ziering goes to a pizzeria and yells at Biz Markie. BIZ MARKIE. The irony of *him* being the one yelled at for once is not lost on me. Hopefully, not lost on America.
These 4 geniuses take their weapons (lol) to the hotel where they hope to meet up with Ian Ziering’s sister. That sister and her daughter are stealing Citibikes to meet them there. The Citibikes are the least offensive product placement so far; these sharks are fucking shills.
It has taken Tara Reid what feels like 4 hours to get 2 floors down to the lobby in the hospital. But when she finally does make it, check out how happy she is!
Ian Ziering and Vivica A. Fox and ClayFace and Son are trapped on top of Judd Hirsch’s cab. Judd Hirsch dies, and you have to wonder – did he ever really live? I say, “kind of”. Also, letting him go at this point in the movie is actually pretty merciful.
Anyhoodles, the others make it off the top of the cab via ropes and Frogger-ing over shark heads (I’m sorry, I didn’t write this movie. *I* would have used a Q*bert reference) and make it to the hotel where the sister and niece should meet them.
Ian Ziering and Vivica A. Camo Pants go to the top of the hotel to throw their make-shift bombs into the Sharknado. An absolutely beautiful moment that I can’t find a screencap of happens – she asks him if he knows what he’s doing, and he gives such a bullshit and condescending shrug as an answer, I don’t even think that was in the script. I think someone off-screen asked him what was really in pesto, and he tried to play it off.
ANYWAYS – they throw a lot of homemade bombs but they’re not working. Ian’s dumb sister makes it to the hotel, and there’s like the millionth scene with Al Roker and Matt Lauer and I hate seeing their faces being this earnest in a C-level SyFy movie. This is *MY* jam, Roker. Go worry about that gypsy that touched your face and said “Thinner”. Lauer? I have nothing to say to you.
“Even the Sharknados are tougher in New York” is said, and I can feel a piece of my soul break it’s gossamer chains and ascend toward that good death.
All the dumbasses in the hotel re-convene on a stairwell to talk about the falling sharks coming from above and the fiery sharks coming from below. Ian Ziering and ClayFace use some “old bar game**” to pull a fast one on the sharks and get past them through a fire exit.
They all get outside and Tara Reid shows up in a fire engine and is like, “Need a ride?” but it sounds like, “We get high?” and I think – yeah. Yeah, she’s doing OK. She wants to help – but Ian Ziering basically points to her hand and is like, “With *that*? LOLOLOLOLOLOL Gross.”
Ian Ziering decides to harness the power of lightning (duh) to stop the sharks, and everyone in NYC is behind him except for this guy:
As Ian Ziering goes up to wage lightning war on sharks on the roof, Tara Reid starts eyeing a table that has a random assortment of slitting saws (I looked it up, that’s how) laid out on it. She turns to Son of ClayFace, and is like, “I need you to put it in me.” …In so many words.
I was watching this with a friend who turned to me at this point, eyes wide, and said: “She’s not gonna, is she?” And I sloshed the red wine in my glass all over my IKEA coffee table and countered, “She fucking BETTER.”
Oh! And at some point Ian Ziering was gifted with the finest chainsaw in NYC, and he used it to jump inside a shark and cut it in half – which was a great tip of the hat to movie 1, but it’s also played out.
The new hotness? Bionic Tara Reid cuttin’ up shark butts:
The movie could end there, but for some reason does not. There’s a long sequence with Ian Ziering and Vivica A. Fox trying to – I dunno, tie cables to freon tanks? And then using the lightning to supercharge his chainsaw? But also the tornadoes? I dunno, I’m drunk now. Vivica A. Fox looks like she gets blown in half, and Ian Ziering flies up into the Sharknado to punch sharks. And then all the people of NYC take to their trunks and storage units to get all their MACHETES and PITCHFORKS and MACHINE GUNS to fight off the sharks. Nope. As a New Yorker forever and ever – they’d probably have a better success rate just letting the sharks fall onto one of the city’s hundreds of unstable balconies, or try and step onto an elevator in Midtown. Whatever works! 🙁
(I’m pushing for that to be the new motto of New York City: “Whatever Works! :(”
Ian Ziering literally rides (American “rides”, not Irish “rides” – I learned my colloquial lesson) a shark out of the Sharknado and onto solid ground. At which point Planet Terror Tara Reid is like “I love you!” and he’s like “Shutup Baby I Know It!”, and then from a dead shark, he pulls out the arm she lost (OK – it’s an ARM now? Because we have been straight wrapping just the hand nub all movie, but fine) and takes her engagement ring off it and re-proposes to her. And it is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, praise Jebus.
And that’s a wrap! Special shout-out to the concierge at the hotel who looked constantly annoyed with our heroes, but stayed until I assume he was killed by a flaming shark. I hope you got the double OT you definitely put in for – sorry I couldn’t find a picture of you. He also looked like the only character who could have been discreetly tripping , “Fuck. This is some heavy shit. Do you guys see all these sharks??” (***Credit Niko)
There’s going to be a Sharknado 3. It’s already in the pipeline, don’t try and fight it. But – where could they go next?
*Photo Credit: Twitter
** …dart rape?
*** Thanks Niko!